For three years, every time I sat down to write this, I dissociated for weeks and months. I was filled with anxiety, dread, pain, and confusion. This stopped me from writing anything meaningful.

I had a rather nightmarish and traumatic childhood and adolescence. I was brought up in a war-zone.

With writing, I learned early on that it could get me in big trouble. That would bring upon me the most gruesome treatment that can destroy a child's development.

As I write this, I don't suffer from a heavy heart like I did when I was dissociating. I'm writing with more peace and surrender. And I had to do the necessary healing work to get to this point.

And this is the work I would like to share with you, dear Reader. If you are going through deep pain in your life, or you want to explore the depths of your psyche, you will profit from this.

The Roots of Our Pain

Just like in bodywork, there are blockages which cause discomfort, stress, and illness; in our emotional body are also blockages which makes us unwell.

When we are children, we are very sensitive and vulnerable. For survival reasons, our attachment to our parents is non-negotiable. If our parents or adults were to treat us badly or neglect us, we faced the choice of either expressing how we felt or blaming ourselves and shutting off the hurt, the pain, the disappointment, and the betrayal.

Why We Hide Our Pain

Our survival dictated that we stay attached to our parents by pleasing them and ignoring our authentic pain. For a child, feeling this pain is dangerous. Abandonment meant certain death. This is a child's biggest worry. This pain is kept away from sight, forming the wounds and blockages.

The nature of this pain is that it is carried into adulthood unless we do something about it.

The pain interferes with how we are supposed to grow and develop. We miss key developmental stages of our childhoods. We miss that which is necessary for us to grow into healthy adults. And because of having to live with this pressure on our psyche, our personality grows deformed under these burdens.

This deformity is what causes the emotional blockages. Our emotions and life cannot flow through clearly because of these inner conflicts.

How IFS Helped Me Untangle My Mind

What really helped me was something called Internal Family Systems Therapy.

Internal Family Systems means that our psyche is made up of parts, and these parts behave together like a family. Like, when you get hungry, you may notice an internal dialogue about what you want to eat. That inner dialogue is between your parts.

How Our Inner Family Works

A part may want to eat a pizza. Another might be ashamed of eating something unhealthy. A critic may shame the one who wants a pizza. Another might be worried about how much it costs and shows you images of your bank balance.

They are all connected, and they respond to each other's pains and actions.

When we're very young, we get hurt easily, our parts get knocked out of place, and they think they need to take over to protect us.

Protectors and Exiles

Our most sensitive parts suffer the most, and their emotions are extreme. Other parts panic and lock the sensitive parts away. They think it's safer to lock them away than to show our real emotions.

The protective parts are called Protectors, and the locked-up sensitive parts are called Exiles.

The Protectors find ways to pacify the Exiles in ways that, when seen from the outside, can seem like mental illness. Because the Protectors will go to extreme ends to do their job.

A Protector may binge eat on tasty snacks to soothe sensitive Exiles. If we had traumatic experiences with failing, Protectors may make us procrastinate. It's their way to avoid tasks they associate with failure. Or depress us so we don't have the energy to engage in a "dangerous" task. And if we try to push through, scared parts become stressed and they resist and become anxious.

It's like an inner civil war. Tension and inner resistance suck up most of our cognitive capacity.

Why We Relive Our Pain in a Loop

You would expect this kind of simplistic strategy from a child. And this is true. Our inner family behaves like this because our parts are frozen in time. In our childhoods, mostly. Worse yet, they are still frozen in the traumatic situation. Reliving it on an infinite loop.

This inner dynamic is a result of a less-than-ideal childhood/adolescence. And unless we do something about it, it follows us for the rest of our lives.

The Good News: You Can Fix This

The cutting-edge model of IFS therapy allows us to access our true Self. This is where healing happens. At our core, we are Compassionate, Courageous, Calm, Creative, Confident, Clear, Connected, and Curious. We are also Patient, Persistent, Playful, Present, and have Perspective.

When our parts connect with Self, they enter the present moment and heal.

A Protector that was making you procrastinate can now relax. Now, it can feel free to be playful or be present and not be afraid of failure. Another exile who was worried you would get abused or punished can rest too. It can be curious about the world again without fear.

They now know you're an adult and you're safe. They don't need to take care of you anymore. That you will take care of them.

The inner trust and security stemming from this is so rare that it is mystified in culture. But it is possible for anyone to achieve. Anyone who is willing to take the plunge into their inner world.

Ultimately, this is how you can get your unmet childhood needs met. You stop being unwell because you stop fighting against yourself. As your parts cooperate, you feel this intense sense of harmony and peace.

The Transformation: From Surviving to Thriving

Over the course of several years, I updated and unburdened many parts of myself. The healing accumulating over time made my most pressing problems vanish. I stopped coping because I deleted the root cause of my problems. Now I choose my own challenges, and live more authentically. And because I am not so paralysed anymore, I can be more autonomous.

This is the result of guided work under a structure that actually works. A result of this work has been to gain enough mastery to help others do the same. Even though my personal life is harmonious, but by helping others, I gain even more fulfilment. And I am leaving my mark in the world from an authentic place.

Is It Worth It?

Is it not?

If you don't do it, you'll never know what it's like outside of the prison of your childhood.

If you do the work, it's sometimes painful but relieving. Releasing your burdens will feel natural, and you will become your Self again. And the end is worth the effort. And once you begin, you'll see that it is simple and effective.

Where to Begin

If you made it this far, dear reader, maybe a protector has come up to your attention. If you want to connect with it, you can follow this audio exercise.

https://www.salmankasi.com/exercise

And if you're curious to see what IFS can do for you and want to explore your specific root problems, you can book a Free introduction with me here.

https://www.salmankasi.com/

I wish you all the best